I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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