i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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