at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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