I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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