i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
