I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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