FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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