Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
