I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
