well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I need to sanitize my soul.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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