Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
