Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
