I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
