paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
