miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
