You just made me feel so damn special
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
It's just like the Real World with babies
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
