gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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