i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
