she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
