I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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