see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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