My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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