How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
