Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
