halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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