Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
