i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
