Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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