yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
It's rum buckets o'clock
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
