Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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