I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
