I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
