why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
