I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
