remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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