Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
