Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
