How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
