You made me cry and you don't even care
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
