you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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