my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
