if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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