my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
