one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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