You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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