alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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