The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize