i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
try to milk me bitch
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