Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
