My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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