Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
