Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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