oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize