i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
