he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
