Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
there's paper in my vomit.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize