I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
