VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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