hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
