I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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