Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
