party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So vagazzling was a success
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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