god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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