why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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