no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
