I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
