I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
