She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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