Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
